When I travel through a big city and I see the dark, seedy underbelly of society, I like to rub it because that makes society go to sleep. Just precious.

As I sat in the supermarket office and waited for the cops to arrive, a thought came to me. Maybe when they say "No purchase necessary," it's like some kind of code or something, and you're not supposed to dump cereal all over the aisle to get the prize. Maybe if they hadn't taken away my little "Crunch-Berry Decoder," I could have figured it out.

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

The next time you are talking to someone, look real close and you can see a small image of yourself in his pupil, only the small version of you has a big, big, knife.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Someday if I have the chance, I would like to sue McDonalds because of their drive through. It is inaccessible to the Auto Impaired. What if you have to walk or skate or something? I mean, why not just call it the "Go-Through-Anyway-You-Want." Actually, I don't have a lot of time so you can take that idea if you want.

I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population grows more desperate and sometimes there are water riots. Then there's a big fire and everybody dies.

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon as really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

I remember when my parents bought me a dog and I named it "Freedom." The next day it ran away and never came back. Maybe I should have named it "Repression." Then when it ran away it would have been a little more puzzling.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of people will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Monkeys are very interesting cuz they have weird tails. I wonder what I'd do with a tail. I guess I could use it instead of hurting my wrists on the mouse. I wonder if I'd get carpal-tail and have to wear a brace on it. That would suck.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.

Its ok to talk to yourself and its even ok to answer yourself. Its when you start going, "Huh? What did you say?", that the men with the snug fitting white coats show up.

And praytell, who's imagination are you a figment of?

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.

I find that little kids are just ungrateful. You try to do something fun for them and they repay you by vomiting on your shoes or something. Hey, weren't you just laughing hysterically for ten minutes while I was spinning you around in that chair?

"This life is a test; it is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do."

Sometimes, I play a little trick on people that makes them really mad. I call it "Whack with a garden shovel." Well, it's not really a trick. It's just a whack with a shovel.

I refuse to be intimidated by reality any more. After all, what is reality anyway? Nothin' but a collective hunch. . . I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

If you give man a fish, he eats for a day. But give him a magical fish that grants wishes, that would be really cool.

I think you should use toothpaste to mop the kitchen. That way, you can eat off the floor and fight cavities at the same time.

I used to think you could jump off the roof with a bunch of garbage bags and they would open up like a parachute, but I never really tried it. I think you should. Doesn't it sound like fun?

A good lucky number is 372.09. Don't use it though because it's mine.

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Do you remember the "Me Decade?" I do. I watched the news all the time and I wasn't on there once. I think they should have called it "Some Other People Decade, and You're Not Really Involved."

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.

If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?

"The only thing that allows me to keep my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes."

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Once when I was a kid I threw a rock all the way across my yard and pegged a rat right in the head. Then I was really sad, because, hey, what if that was someone's pet? What if some poor boy came looking for his little pet rat? Well, if he did, I would hit that jerk right in the head with a rock, too.

Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly, now that's probably got some nasty roots on it.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Sometimes, when I'm by myself, I think "If I'm by myself then I can't be alone since I'm always by me." The thing is, when I'm with me, I'm the only one there. So they're wrong, you can never be 'by' yourself 'cause that would require two of you. Then I get scared and need a hug.

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I've NEVER forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive anyway.

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

The picture on my new driver's license would look better if I had been digitally created.*

Maps wouldn't cause as many arguments if they would just install those little metal rails on all the roads.*

If M-80's aren't supposed to help me catch fish easier, then I don't know what.*

I guess everyone left the party early because they were feeling really sick, because hey, who would want to miss "Blindfolded Baby Alligator Hunt?"

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.*

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

A man lived in a house on a flood plain. A week of drenching storms came. As the waters started to rise, the neighbors began evacuating to higher ground for safety. A rescue truck came for the man, but he refused to leave. "I believe in God. He will save me and my house," said the man. The next day, the rivers were up to his doorstep. Rescue workers motored by in a boat, and pleaded with the man to leave with them to safer heights. "I trust in God," he said. "God will save me. I have no need of your help." After that, the waters rose past his windows, and the man sat on the roof of his house as the rains continued. A rescue helicopter came by, begging the man to leave his house. "God will save me," he said again. Finally, the waters rose over his roof and the man drowned. He showed up at the pearly gates and said to God: "I was a devout man, living my life for you, God. Why did you let me die?" God replied: "What are you talking about? I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter. What more did you need?"

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

I think what kids want is to be treated like equals. Timmy wanted the "purple" scissors real bad and usually got his own way. Although he seemed very upset when I put my fingers in my ears and hummed, "Hmm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mmm! Mine, mine, all mine!!" I think that deep down he really appreciated my efforts to relate to him on his own level.*

One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

The Middle Ages were a great time to be alive, because if you weren't wiped out by the Plague or impaled by some marauding barbarian, then yippee.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Uncle Wally always said his greatest fear would be to play chess against an evil swarm of bees, that just came together to form a giant hand to move the pieces. All through the game they'd probably cheat by letting a few of the little bees fly off and sting his hands. In the end he knew he'd win, but then they'd all just sting him to death in revenge.

People are always saying you can't compare apples and oranges. We say: "Why can't you? They're both fruit aren't they? Go ahead, compare away! Who's going to stop you?"

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."

Ethereal Haunts